Ashley Laderer, John Mutziger | 29 March 2022

Insecurity is the feeling that you are inadequate or not good enough.
You might be insecure if you are self-critical, a perfectionist, or someone who self-sabotages.
You can become more confident through therapy and practicing having compassion for yourself.
Visit Insider’s Health Reference library for more advice.

It’s normal to feel mildly insecure from time to time, such as before a first date or an important job interview. However, if you find yourself feeling insecure most of the time, and if it’s getting in the way of you living your day-to-day life, you may have more deeply rooted insecurities that need to be addressed in order for you to live your life happily and to the fullest.

Here are eight signs that you’re insecure, and five ways to become more secure.

1. You Feel Inadequate

One of the main signs of insecurity is feeling inadequate, or that you aren’t good enough, says Courtney Glickman, PhD, LMHC, therapist and owner of The Collective Healing Center. Glickman says this can stem from negative experiences like childhood neglect, bullying, critical partners, or even societal expectations. “These experiences of powerlessness and judgment shape how individuals view their own self-worth and competency and often perpetuate shame,” says Glickman.

2. You’re a Perfectionist

People who are insecure may be perfectionists and strive for flawlessness in order to make them feel more secure, Glickman says. However, perfectionism leads to unhealthy levels of self-criticism and a need for control, causing you to feel constantly let down and burnt out, says Glickman.

3. You Feel a Lot of Envy or Jealousy

When you’re insecure and feel inadequate, you may feel threatened or in competition with others, leading to envy and jealousy, Glickman says. This is because rather than focusing on themselves, insecure people tend to focus on comparing themselves to others, which may result in negative emotions.

4. You’re Harsh and Critical of Yourself

Regardless if your insecurity stems from something that happened in childhood or you developed it as an adult, it can manifest in the form of harsh self-criticism, says Jennifer Chain, PhD, licensed psychologist and owner of Thrive for the People. You might motivate yourself with self-criticism, guilt, or punishment. “If you find yourself talking to yourself in harsh or even abusive ways, you may be tearing yourself down regularly and contributing to your insecurity,” says Chain.

5. You Shape-Shift Depending on Who You’re With

You may see yourself as a social chameleon, Chain says. For example, you might change your mannerisms, speech, likes, and dislikes depending on who you’re around, since you may not be sure of who you truly are, or if people will like and accept the real you. “You may juggle different personas depending on the context and the people around you. You may be very skilled at this kind of shape-shifting, but it is costly and exhausting to keep up,” says Chain.

6. You Fear Rejection and Abandonment

In relationships, you might fear that you will be rejected or abandoned. “You may be constantly on the lookout for signs that the relationship is not going well, that the other person is unhappy with you, or you are failing somehow,” says Chain. This can result in you taking everything personally, interpreting your partner’s behaviors or statements inaccurately, reacting irrationally, or anticipating worst-case scenarios, Chain says, which can derail a relationship because you may become overly demanding, critical, or needy, creating conflicts that weren’t really there in the first place.

7. You Self-Sabotage

“As a result of the fear of rejection or abandonment, your insecurity may show up as self-sabotaging behaviors,” says Chain. This can range from sabotaging your own personal success or your relationships. Chain says some examples of this may be:

Procrastinating on a project because you’re afraid of failing despite giving your best effort.
Acting cold or distant towards a partner because you are not sure how they feel about you.
Avoiding asking for a promotion at work because you don’t think you’re deserving enough.
Turning to emotional eating or drinking because you don’t feel like you deserve to be cared for.

8. You Don’t Let People See Your “Messy” Side

Nobody’s perfect, and everyone has flaws and moments of weakness. However, if you’re very insecure you may refuse to let anybody see those parts of you. “You may have learned growing up that your love and worthiness depend on presenting a perfect, have-it-all-together, and extremely competent image of yourself,” says Chain. This can lead you to have a hard time being vulnerable and letting people see you make mistakes, feel helpless, or cry.

What to Do About Insecurity

Squashing your insecurities and becoming more secure with who you are and your abilities won’t be easy, but with hard work over time it’s possible. Here are five tips to become more secure and gain confidence.

1. Seek Therapy

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to talk to a licensed mental health professional who can help you gain insight into issues that cause your insecurity. “Through therapy, individuals can build skills to foster a stronger sense of self, improve relationships, and develop coping skills to manage symptoms,” says Glickman. Many different types of therapy can address insecurity and help you learn new skills, but dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) in particular is a type that Glickman recommends. “DBT is a wonderful approach that provides specific skills that focus on asking for what you want, saying no, and negotiating conflict without damaging the relationship,” says Glickman.

2. Practice self-compassion

If you’re insecure, chances are you’re mentally beating yourself up often. Glickman suggests taking time to reflect and notice what you tend to judge and criticize about yourself. For example, is it your appearance, career, or relationships?

The next time you notice you’re being overly self-critical, try switching up and speaking to yourself in a genuine, loving way, the same way you would to a close friend or family member. Remember to have compassion for yourself, as it’s been shown to help improve insecurity within relationships as well as overall mental health.

3. Challenge your thoughts

A common component of therapy is learning to understand the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Glickman says you can work to challenge the negative, irrational beliefs leading to your insecurity.

“Question, challenge, and don’t believe everything you think. This allows you to cognitively restructure unhealthy thinking patterns,” says Glickman. Over time, you will learn to quickly identify unhealthy thoughts and move forward in a healthier way.

4. Be your own loving parent

If your insecurity stems from your upbringing, it can help to do some inner-child work. “Imagine you have a small child inside of you. How would you speak to and treat your little self with kindness and tenderness? Close your eyes and imagine telling that little child that they are safe with you. You will protect them and care for them, and you love them,” says Chain. This draws from attachment theory, which is the idea that we learned our relationship behaviors early on in life based on our upbringing. Chain says this tip can be especially helpful if you had an unsafe or unpredictable relationship with your caretakers. This is also an aspect of different types of therapy such as psychoanalysis, psychodynamic therapy, internal family systems, and emotionally focused therapy, says Chain.

5. Aim for progress over perfection

Strive for realistic, attainable goals, keeping in mind that true perfection does not exist. “Focus on progress, which allows for more recognition of accomplishments and ultimately improves productivity and motivation,” says Glickman. Celebrate wins, no matter how small, along the way.

Insider’s takeaway

Insecurity can show up in a lot of ways, ranging from feeling inadequate to fearing rejection to self sabotaging. Regardless of the cause of your insecurity, putting in work through therapy and other strategies can help you become more secure.

Original Post: 8 Sneaky Signs That Insecurity is Affecting Your Life and 5 Ways to Gain More Confidence

Copyright belongs to the original author.

不安全感悄然影响你生活的8个迹象，以及增强自信的5种方法

Ashley Laderer, John Mutziger | 2022年3月29日

不安全感是指你感到自己不够好或不合格的一种感觉。
如果你对自己过于苛刻，是个完美主义者，或者有自我破坏的倾向，你可能就有不安全感。
通过治疗和练习自我同情，你可以变得更加自信。
访问 Insider Health Reference library 以获取更多建议。

偶尔感到轻微的不安全感是正常的，例如在第一次约会或重要的工作面试之前。然而，如果你发现自己大多数时间都感到不安全，并且这种感觉阻碍了你的日常生活，你可能有更深层次的需要解决的不安全感，只有解决这些问题，你才能过上幸福和充实的生活。

以下是你感到不安全的八个迹象，以及五种变得更有安全感的方法。

1. 你感到不够好

不安全感的主要表现之一是感到自己不够好，或者不够优秀，治疗师兼The Collective Healing Center的所有者Courtney Glickman博士（LMHC）表示。 Glickman说，这可能源于一些消极的经历，如童年的忽视、霸凌、批评性的伴侣，甚至是社会期望。 “这些无力感和被评价的经历会塑造个体对自身价值和能力的看法，并常常导致羞耻感，”Glickman说道。

2. 你是个完美主义者

不安全感的人可能是完美主义者，他们追求无缺陷的表现以让自己感到更有安全感，Glickman说。然而，完美主义会导致不健康的自我批评和对控制的需求，使你感到不断失望和精疲力尽，Glickman指出。

3. 你常感到嫉妒或羡慕

当你感到不安全并且觉得自己不够好时，你可能会觉得受到威胁，或与他人竞争，从而导致嫉妒和羡慕感，Glickman表示。这是因为不安全感的人往往不专注于自己，而是将自己与他人比较，这可能会引发负面情绪。

4. 你对自己非常苛刻

无论你的不安全感是来自童年经历，还是成年后发展出来的，它都可能以严厉的自我批评形式表现出来，持有执照的心理学家兼Thrive for the People的所有者Jennifer Chain博士指出。你可能会通过自我批评、内疚或惩罚来激励自己。 “如果你发现自己对自己说话的方式过于苛刻甚至是虐待性的，你可能会经常贬低自己，进一步加剧你的不安全感，”Chain说道。

5. 你会根据周围的人改变自己

你可能认为自己是个“社交变色龙”，Chain说。例如，你可能会根据周围的人改变自己的行为、说话方式、喜好和厌恶，因为你不确定自己是谁，或者不确定别人是否会喜欢和接受真正的你。 “你可能会根据不同的情境和周围的人来扮演不同的角色。你可能非常擅长这种变换，但它会耗费大量精力并让你感到疲惫不堪，”Chain指出。

6. 你害怕被拒绝和被抛弃

在关系中，你可能害怕自己会被拒绝或被抛弃。 “你可能会时刻关注关系是否顺利，担心对方是否对你不满意，或者你是否在某些方面失败了，”Chain说。这可能会导致你将一切都个人化，错误地解读伴侣的行为或言辞，做出非理性的反应，或预想最坏的情况，这会让一段关系偏离正轨，因为你可能会变得过于苛求、批评或依赖，从而制造原本不存在的冲突。

7. 你会自我破坏

“由于害怕被拒绝或被抛弃，你的不安全感可能会表现为自我破坏的行为，”Chain说。这种行为可能包括破坏自己的个人成功或关系。 Chain举了一些例子：

因为害怕尽全力后仍然失败，所以拖延一个项目。
因为不确定对方的感受，所以对伴侣表现得冷漠或疏远。
因为觉得自己不够格，所以不敢在工作中提出晋升要求。
因为觉得自己不值得被照顾，所以会诉诸情感饮食或酗酒。

8. 你不愿让别人看到自己“混乱”的一面

没有人是完美的，每个人都有缺陷和软弱的时候。然而，如果你非常不安全，你可能拒绝让任何人看到你的这些部分。 “你可能在成长过程中学到，爱与价值取决于你展现出的完美形象，即一切都在掌控之中且非常有能力，”Chain说道。这可能会让你很难表现出脆弱的一面，或者让别人看到你犯错、感到无助或哭泣的样子。

如何应对不安全感

消除不安全感并变得更加自信并不容易，但通过长期努力这是可以实现的。以下是五个帮助你变得更有安全感并增强自信的建议。

1. 寻求治疗

你可以为自己做的最好的一件事就是与持有执照的心理健康专家交谈，他们可以帮助你深入了解导致不安全感的问题。 “通过治疗，个体可以培养技能，建立更强的自我意识，改善人际关系，并学会应对症状的技能，”Glickman说道。许多不同类型的治疗可以应对不安全感并帮助你学习新技能，Glickman特别推荐的是辩证行为治疗（DBT）。 “DBT是一种非常好的方法，它提供了具体的技巧，专注于如何提出需求、说‘不’以及在不破坏关系的情况下解决冲突，”Glickman说道。

2. 练习自我关怀

如果你不安全，可能你经常在心里责备自己。 Glickman建议花时间反思并注意你倾向于批评自己的方面。例如，是你的外貌、职业还是人际关系？

下一次你发现自己过度自我批评时，试着转换思路，用真诚、充满爱的方式与自己对话，就像你对待亲密的朋友或家人一样。记住对自己要有同情心，因为研究表明，这有助于改善关系中的不安全感，以及整体心理健康。

3. 挑战你的想法

治疗的一个常见组成部分是学习理解思想、情感和行为之间的联系。 Glickman表示，你可以努力挑战导致不安全感的消极、非理性信念。

“质疑、挑战，不要相信你想的每一件事。这可以帮助你在认知上重建不健康的思维模式，”Glickman说。随着时间的推移，你会学会快速识别不健康的想法，并以更健康的方式前进。

4. 成为你自己的爱心父母

如果你的不安全感源自童年经历，做一些内在小孩的工作会有帮助。 “想象你内心有一个小孩。你会如何用善意和温柔对待这个小孩？闭上眼睛，想象告诉那个小孩，他们和你在一起是安全的。你会保护他们，照顾他们，并且你爱他们，”Chain说。这源自依恋理论，即我们早期的养育方式塑造了我们在成年后的关系行为。 Chain表示，如果你在童年时期与照顾者的关系不安全或不可预测，这一方法会尤其有帮助。这也是许多不同治疗方法的组成部分，如精神分析、心理动力治疗、内在家庭系统治疗和情感聚焦治疗，Chain指出。

5. 追求进步，而非完美

努力追求现实的、可达到的目标，牢记真正的完美并不存在。 “专注于进步，这能让你更容易意识到自己的成就，并最终提高生产力和动力，”Glickman说道。无论多么小的胜利都要庆祝。

Insider的结论

不安全感可能以多种方式表现出来，从感到自己不够好，到害怕被拒绝，再到自我破坏。无论是什么导致了你的不安全感，通过治疗和其他策略的努力工作，可以帮助你变得更加自信。

原文链接: 8 Sneaky Signs That Insecurity is Affecting Your Life and 5 Ways to Gain More Confidence

版权属于原作者，本翻译仅供学习用途。