Melanie Greenberg Ph.D. | Posted December 6, 2015 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Key Points

• Insecurity can be based on recent failures: Research shows up to 40% of one’s “happiness quotient” is based on recent life events.
• Social anxiety from being bullied or having critical parents can lead to insecurity.
• Perfectionism can cause insecurity, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and chronic fatigue.

Do you find yourself filled with self-doubt and short on confidence? Despite your accomplishments, do you feel like a fraud destined to be exposed? Do you feel that you don’t deserve lasting love and that partners will inevitably leave you? Do you stay at home, afraid to venture out and meet new people because you don’t feel you have enough to offer? Do you feel overweight, boring, stupid, guilty, or ugly?

Most of us feel insecure sometimes, but some of us feel insecure most of the time. The kind of childhood you had, past traumas, recent experiences of failure or rejection, loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about yourself, perfectionism, or having a critical parent or partner can all contribute to insecurity.

Following are the three most common forms of insecurity—and how to begin to cope with them.

Type 1: Insecurity Based on Recent Failure or Rejection

Recent events can greatly affect both our mood and the way we feel about ourselves. Research on happiness suggests up to 40% of our “happiness quotient” is based on recent life events. The biggest negative contributor to happiness is the ending of a relationship, followed by the death of a spouse, job loss, and negative health events. Since unhappiness also influences your self-esteem, failure and rejection can deliver a double whammy to your confidence.

Below are some tools to overcome failure- or rejection-based insecurity:

1. Give yourself time to heal and adapt to the new normal.
2. Get out and engage with life, following your interests and curiosity.
3. Reach out to friends and family for distraction and comfort.
4. Get feedback from people you trust.
5. Persevere and keep moving towards your goals.
6. Be willing to try a different strategy if necessary.

Type 2: Lack of Confidence Because of Social Anxiety

Many of us experience a lack of confidence in social situations like parties, family gatherings, interviews, and dates. The fear of being evaluated by others—and found to be lacking—can lead to feeling anxious and self-conscious. This type of insecurity is generally based on distorted beliefs about your self-worth and the extent to which others are evaluating you.

Below are some tools to combat insecurity in social situations:

1. Talk back to your inner critic. Remind yourself of all the reasons you can be interesting and fun or a good friend or partner.
2. Prepare in advance. Think of things you can talk about—current events, movies, hobbies, your job, or your family.
3. Avoiding social situations just makes things worse. So go to a party or on a date even if you’re nervous.
4. Set yourself a limited, realistic goal. This could be anything from talking to two new people or finding out more about one person’s work and hobbies.
5. Deliberately focus on others to combat intense self-focus. Put on your observer hat and notice what other people seem to be feeling and doing.

Type 3: Insecurity Driven by Perfectionism

Some of us have very high standards for everything we do. Life doesn’t always turn out exactly the way we want, even if we work extra hard. There is a piece of the outcome that is at least partly out of our control. If you are constantly disappointed and blaming yourself for being anything less than perfect, you will start to feel insecure and unworthy.

Below are some ways to combat perfectionism:

1. Evaluate yourself based on effort rather than outcome, which can be dependent on external factors.
2. Think about how much difference it would actually make if your work were 10% better.
3. Find the grey areas in all-or-nothing thinking. Is there a more compassionate way to view a situation?
4. Focus on inner qualities like your character, sincerity, or good values, rather than just on external achievements.

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Original Post: The 3 Most Common Causes of Insecurity and How to Beat Them

Copyright belongs to the original author.

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三种最常见的不安全感及其应对方法

Melanie Greenberg Ph.D. | 2015年12月6日 | 审阅：Lybi Ma

重点

• 不安全感可能源于最近的失败：研究显示，40%的“幸福指数”基于最近的生活事件。
• 由于被欺负或有批评性父母而产生的社交焦虑可能导致不安全感。
• 完美主义不仅会导致不安全感，还会引起抑郁、焦虑、饮食失调和慢性疲劳。

你是否觉得自己充满了自我怀疑并缺乏自信？ 尽管取得了成就，但你是否觉得自己像一个将被揭穿的骗子？ 你是否觉得自己不配拥有持久的爱，伴侣最终都会离开你？你是否因为觉得自己没有足够的价值而待在家里，害怕走出去认识新朋友？ 你是否觉得自己超重、无聊、愚蠢、有罪或丑陋？

我们大多数人有时会感到不安全，但有些人几乎总是感到不安全。 你的童年经历、过去的创伤、最近的失败或拒绝经历、孤独、社交焦虑、对自己的负面信念、完美主义或有批评性的父母或伴侣都可能导致不安全感。

以下是三种最常见的不安全感形式以及如何开始应对它们的方法。

类型1：基于最近失败或拒绝的不安全感

最近的事件可以极大地影响我们的情绪和自我感觉。 关于幸福的研究表明，40%的“幸福指数”基于最近的生活事件。 最大的不幸福来源是关系的结束，其次是配偶的死亡、失业和健康事件的不良变化。 由于不幸福也会影响你的自尊，失败和拒绝会对你的自信心造成双重打击。

以下是一些克服基于失败或拒绝的不安全感的工具：

1. 给自己时间愈合并适应新的常态。
2. 走出去，按照你的兴趣和好奇心积极投入生活。
3. 向朋友和家人寻求分散注意力和安慰。
4. 从你信任的人那里获得反馈。
5. 坚持下去，继续朝着你的目标前进。
6. 如果需要，愿意尝试不同的策略。

类型2：由于社交焦虑导致的缺乏自信

我们中的许多人在社交场合（如聚会、家庭聚会、面试和约会）中会缺乏自信。 害怕被他人评估并被发现不足会让你感到焦虑和难为情。 这种不安全感通常基于对自我价值的扭曲信念以及对他人评估你的程度的错误认知。

以下是一些应对社交情境中不安全感的工具：

1. 反击你的内心批评家。提醒自己所有让你变得有趣和愉快或成为好朋友或伴侣的原因。
2. 提前准备。想一些你可以谈论的话题——当前事件、你看过的电影、爱好、工作或家庭。
3. 避免社交情境只会使情况更糟。所以即使紧张也要去参加聚会或约会。
4. 给自己设定一个有限的、现实的目标。这可以是与两个人谈话或了解一个人的工作和爱好。
5. 故意关注他人以对抗强烈的自我关注。戴上观察者的帽子，注意其他人似乎在感受和做什么。

类型3：由完美主义驱动的不安全感

我们中有些人对自己所做的一切都有很高的标准。 即使我们加倍努力，生活也不总是按我们的意愿进行。 结果的一部分至少在某种程度上超出了我们的控制范围。 如果你总是感到失望并责怪自己不够完美，你会开始感到不安全和不配得。

以下是一些应对完美主义的方法：

1. 试着根据你投入的努力而不是结果来评价自己，因为结果往往取决于外部因素。
2. 想一想你的工作如果提高10%会有多大差别。检查和重新检查或回复每封电子邮件所花的时间和精力是否真的值得？
3. 完美主义通常基于非黑即白的思维方式，所以试着找到灰色地带。是否有更有同情心的或理解的方式来看待情况？
4. 关注内在的品质，如你的性格、真诚或良好的价值观，而不仅仅是外部的成就。

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原文链接: The 3 Most Common Causes of Insecurity and How to Beat Them

版权属于原作者，本翻译仅供学习用途。